fashioned thoughts and such…

Farewell...

2006-10-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

So, blogspot is rediculous. I do not like it one bit. Time to move up in the world and get serious about this blogging business. I have moved to wordpress, after reading good things about it.

If you would like to keep reading with more fascinating surroundings check me out at:

smfare@wordpress.com

Look forward to it, Stephanie.

Haphazard admissions

2006-10-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I am getting ready to go to Chicago for a mini-break. My flight leaves at around nine this evening, so I will arrive at the peak of Friday night. My hope is that the city will be crowded and rockin’ like San Francisco is when the weekend infiltrates the night.

In other news, I have been suffering from odd neck pains and fatigue so I headed to the doctor earlier in the week. She is testing me for mono and strep. The irony of me getting mono living alone in Missouri after overcoming 13 roommates in the last five years along with four years of college will be unbelievable.

This week I have continued to get three or four phone calls a day from people thinking I am K104 radio station. I finally called the station today, letting them know of my little issue. He apologized and the guy said he would make sure the staff is giving out the right number. I think people just get their 7’s and 1’s confused and end up talking to me instead of begging some cocky radio announcer to play their favorite song.

Now I am going to make a confession and tell you a story about how lying is wrong and you should never do it. I was telling some co-workers about this stream of excited radio fans calling me and they said I should pretend to be the station. Tell the caller they were lucky caller number 104 or something. I laughed it off.

Then I got a call one boring Tuesday morning at work…
“Is this k104?” A man with a southern accent asks me.
I pause.
“Yeah,” I answer. (Ok, so I had to make a split second decision and thought, this will be fun.)
“Ok, well I would like to request a song,” he says.
“Ok?” I say unclear about what they heck I am doing. (I am a terrible liar)
So he goes on to name a few songs he wants to hear and I tell him no problem. Then he goes on to tell me what a hard day it’s been because he really misses his wife. He tells me how much he appreciates this because these were his wife’s favorite songs and well, she is gone now and it would make his day to hear them.
(Crap. Crap. Crap.)
“Sir, this isn’t the radio station,” I confess in an apologetic manner.
“Oh, I am sorry,” he says and then hangs up.

A few minuets went by and then I called him back. I told him how I have been getting all these calls and thought it would be funny to pretend. I said how sorry I was for making it up and that he should try and call the real radio station so he can get his songs played. He was really nice, like too nice, and thanked me for calling him back. I felt terrible.

Moral of the story and my random blog entry: Do not lie, you never know when mono might attack you, and travel alone to a destination at least once in your lifetime.

Now back to writing newspaper articles, that people actually read(that’s me asking you to leave a comment without really asking).

I need a paradigm shift

2006-10-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I know in my heart that God desires to heal and set people free. So many of the stories we read about Jesus’ life surrounded healing. There is something we are not tapping into, a level of faith or power that only comes from the Father.

I prayed for a girl at IHOP yesterday who was blind in one eye. I did everything I have been taught to do, laid hands on her eyes, spoke directly to the problem with her retina and had her test out her eye. Nothing happened. She is still blind in one eye. Something that hit me while praying was that a few people seemed to be praying at her, real loud and in tongues. It threw me off and made it hard to tap into what God wanted to do.

We are so far from understanding how to go for healing. I am so clueless on what it looks like to see people consistently healed through my prayers. I am hungry to dive in and will not just settle for “oh well”. There is something key to persistence and commitment. Jesus honors us when we communicate our level of sacrifice to see people walk in freedom.

I think I am going to join the healing room teams. I am stirred to see people healed and what better way to go for it then to pray for lots of sick people. Whenever I get the chance I am going to pray for the sick. I want God to break in and move. As I run after Him, I want to start to look like Him. Healing was who Jesus was and I have to tap into that. I can not just pursue intimacy with Him and not desire to be like Him in life.

A few weeks ago my heart ached as I watched a mother and father pray for a man in a wheel chair, as their son was the center of a healing service because he had brain cancer. They moved out of their situation to pray for someone else who needed freedom. That is sacrifice and selflessness. If my heart was moved by that, how much more was Gods’? There has to be more then just accepting the death of a 27-year-old who loved Jesus and believed that he was to be healed.

Jesus teach us Your ways...for we grow weary without Your touch.

The first blessing

2006-10-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be poor in spirit? This is a quest I am on, trying to understand what the Lord was talking about in Matthew by saying; “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I looked up what poor means in this context and was surprised to read that the Greek word is referring to public poverty. To be a beggar is someone who asks strangers for money or food. That is such a lowly place to be as a human because it is a place of relying on others to supply your needs. It also means to be homeless, which I relate to, in the sense of never feeling like this earth is my home. Like this age is just somewhere I am for the present but at any moment I will escape home for good.

So in order to have the kingdom of heaven, which means to have power and access to the abode of God, I must be in a place of lack, not just in private but in public. Ouch. Those around me should be able to recognize that my lack is deep in the human soul.

Learning about this scripture keeps taking me back to the pull I feel inside for the need to abandon everything to follow Christ. There is no room for me to take things or people with me and the place I see before me is a desert like stretch of land that has no end. In the desert there is nothing to lean on or rest upon. No big trees to sit under for a moment of shade or streams to dip in for refreshing. When you are only relying on Christ in the desert there are intense times of dryness and emptiness. I am starting to get this and my heart battles the flesh, but I will trek on with my friend.

The journey of seeking Christ is a lonely place. I finally really comprehend that I am the only one who can choose this path on the inside. No one else will be responsible for my travels to be like Jesus. The walk is a race and I am fighting against my flesh and the places of temptation, not against others. They cannot make my legs pump or my arms ride back and forth. I have to run and the pace I set will be determined by the amount of Christ I allow to infiltrate my heart.

I'm an apple

2006-10-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

I'm stealing this little paragraph from a friend's blog. I read it and it confirmed something I have been mulling over lately. So read it and then my annotations subsequently.

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

Because I feel like an apple that has never been reached for, this simile is wonderful to me. Living in American culture, I am often convinced that love is not special or suppose to be something you wait for, rather you should go out there and find and take hold of it, like Daniel Boon in search of Kentucky (did you know he blazed the Wilderness Road through the Cumberland Gap and into Kentucky, which he settled). When people find out I am single and not making efforts to change my status, they immediately want to try and helped me solve my “problem”. Like a unschooled outsider, they wish to teach me the ways of this world called dating and romance. I try not to be annoyed and then not to feel like a loser, who must be so pathetic as not to have a love life.

But this whole apple idea is really great. I am coming to the place of believing it, in spite of what people subconsciously imply about me not having a grid for relationships. I resent it at times, but now I am getting it. The apple that sits at the top of the tree and is picked later then the one down at the bottom of the tree just gets more time to ripen. They are all apples and being picked first does not make them better. Usually it means you are either picked by the wrong farmer or are picked too early.

I also have certain single friends who have been hurt and are convinced that love and marriage are not for them. I am certain that one of the main reasons is because they did not wait for the man, but instead settled for the guy, who did not know how to care for an apple so they were bruised. (I know I am taking it a little far with this one, but go with me.) Now they are messed up and have come to allow their experiences to dictate a belief about all men.

Complicated are the ways of love and painful are the lies we as women believe about ourselves and men, if Jesus does not teach us. He is the best at loving and true romance. I must learn all that I need from Him and not assume that men can teach me the ways of love; for they are as fallen and broken as I….

Tension

2006-09-30T21:46:00.001-07:00

Usually I don’t blog on the weekends because I avoid typing on the computer while not at work, but not tonight.

I went to church last night and by the time worship began, it occurred to me that I did not want to be there. I stayed for a few reasons, but was antsy during most of the sermon. Mike was talking about the life of David and how he really chose to live for “one thing”. Then he challenged us to examine our hearts and confirm that we are living the way we say we live.

I have been thinking on it ever since. It is easier to act and talk like we are living a fasted life in the place of prayer then to do it. “I just got done at the prayer room”, “I can’t eat that I’m fasting”, “I don’t watch television”. All of those statements are fine, but they are just words.

No one can really PROVE we are living to behold the beauty of God. Mike said this is not something to just be tacked on to our already busy spiritual goals, like “oh yeah, that’s a good point, lets run after the beauty of God while we are going for salvations, signs and wonders, and revival.”

My heart should ache and hurt because I am not in the place of beholding God the way He should be sought.

It doesn’t.

Today has been hard and full of people asking me what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make God important on the inside”. That’s what is going on, but I just tell them a list of other reasons. I like to lie to myself about my lack, it makes me feel better, I guess. But when it comes to the end of the day I understand that feeling far from knowing God bothers my soul.

I should be happy with the agitation, but being a person dedicated to becoming the perfection of Christ, it just once again settles my need to trust Jesus completely.

My hope is that soon I will day dream about this process and be so consumed that He takes up my thoughts at the unconscious level. Right now it’s still conscious…

Early morning woes

2006-09-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Today is chili day at work. The entire office reeks of an aroma reminiscent of hamburgers and ketchup. It’s only 10am.

I walked into our conference room to see tables of about ten crock pots bubbling with different shades of chili and realized how much I am still a singleton. I do not own a crock pot, or even a good pot for that matter. I can not remember the last time a meal did not include the freezer and the cheap microwave I bought at Wal-Mart.

There is a competition for who has the best chili, I am not sure why, or what the prize is, but it’s a pretty serious event. People keep rising from their desks to mosey into the conference room to check on their pot and give it a stir. The lady heading up the contest even yelled to everyone that the contest is off, hoping to lessen the competition. And you can not tell ANYONE which pot is yours, or off with your head!

I on the other hand am having a hard time concentrating. I have several stories to write and my lame headphones broke, so I have no angry girl music to blare while writing about librarians and internet safety for kids.

I am stir crazy cause I got over ten hours of sleep. See, I went to bed early in hopes of rising this morning at 6am to go for a run. My thought process is that I have no problem getting up to go pray at that time, but I am not so motivated to head out into the cold morning to run around my neighborhood. Apparently electric guitars and drums are more alluring for this music snob in the early morning hours.

This is a problem because I will be consuming unusual amount of chili today to help decide which one is the best…I really needed that exercise. And I got my results from that test; I have high cholesterol at age 23. How is this possible?? At least I am not alone, almost everyone else in the office did too, even my thin friend Amy. I blame our sedative jobs, birthday cakes, and chili contests….

Hope I have good cholesterol.

2006-09-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

So a couple years ago, no more like three or four, I needed to get my blood drawn. This was during my "I'm going to be a doctor" pre-med phase. Blood and needles never really bothered me before; I mean I liked watching those true ER shows on TV and stuff. So, being the intelligent girl that I am, I told the nurse lady taking my blood that I was into medicine and going to watch. She smiled and we talked a bit about the health care business.

After looking for a vein for what seemed a very long time, she stuck my arm with a needle with my eyes glued on her every move. With no luck, she pulled the needle back out of my arm, saying something about having a hard time finding my deep veins. Lets try again, she says. (At this point I am still feeling fine, just hoping she hits the mark). So, in she goes again with the needle, only this time, she begins DIGGING around in my arm, trying to hit a vein. People, she was digging in my arm!! At that's when I apparently had a mild seizure and passed out. All I remember is waking up to my mom freaked out and asking for the lady to get a doctor.

"Is that why you decide not to become a doctor?" asked the man who was about to take my blood today at work at free health clinic day.

"No I failed physics," I told him.

He laughed and asked if it was because I was doing too much partying.

"No, I just don't care about learning the details of things I can't see, like force and gravity." I replied.

Side track: Who cares WHY my pen drops to the floor when it rolls off my desk. Or how fast it went and what happens if you do the same thing from a higher point. NOT ME. I don't care.

Yeah, I tell my passing out story every time I get my blood drawn. Mainly to let the person who is sticking me know I don't want any funny business.

My palms still get clammy and my heart still races when the rap my arm with the rubber band and start pressing down on my arm, looking for the perfect vein.

Thankfully, this guy was a pro and before you know it I was holding a cotton ball on my little wound for health sake.

Apparently threatening to pass out really works.

I'm imploding, I promise...

2006-09-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

I think if you are open to the Holy Spirit, you will always be learning something. Right now I feel like there are a bunch of lessons He is trying to teach me. At times it can be overwhelming to be dying in so many areas of flesh, like I am going to burst into a million pieces because of what is happening in my heart, but that does not happen. I am still exactly the same on the outside. You would not guess any of this by looking at me.

A little run down:

- First of all I am learning how to wait. Not to move or make a decision or shut down my heart because the future is not clear. Giving time and God permission to answer my questions slowly.
- I am also learning how to trust. This is a lesson that will take a life time to learn, I know that. It’s not new, but deeper then before. I am trying to give Jesus my entire heart probably for the first time ever. In the past I have always thought and told God He had all of me, but I still kept the deepest parts of me hidden and reserved for only me. The deepest parts hurt the most when you give them over to the light, not because they are evil, but so sensitive to being exposed.
- Choosing to love friends who do not love me back. Trying to love with no expectation.
- Did I mention trust? This is so hard!!
- Then there is me trying to unlearn the lies I believe about God. It’s all those life experiences that want to form a belief system in my soul about who Jesus is. I want to believe that God is who He says He is. Amen.
- Prayer can change things. About a month ago I prayed for this girl all morning while she was HAVING an abortion in another state. She is a friend of mine’s co-worker. Yeah, it’s been a month and she recently went to the doctor and she is still pregnant. This is unbelievable. Please pray with me that she will make the right choice and not get another abortion.

What's really going on...

2006-09-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

When I feel like I am at a place of surrender, it seems to get that much more necessary to go the next step. God never stops longing for my heart, in the deepest places. The last few nights I have been pouring that deep out to Him.

There is this place in me that I think everyone has, a part of you that it is hard to surrender. There is something to being human, and wanting to have some independence. Complete dependence on the Lord requires so much trust. I love Jesus more then anyone in the entire world, but I still find myself wanting to protect my deepest places from Him. It is totally crazy, but so nature to hide. Pulling away the protective layer I keep between me and the Holy Spirit hurts. There must be a realization of this process and a choice to go through it, even thought the steps involve lots of tears and brokenness.

I know that this broken heart of mine will be the offering that pleases the Lord. Only in a place of being exposed can I put to test my love for Him. Will He hurt me? Will He leave me? Will He honor my hurt? Those questions collide with the lies I think I must believe about God. When I am confronted with my questions, that also hurts. I do not like that I do not believe the best about my Jesus, but with time and surrender, this is changing.

In order to quench the lies, I have to be willing to confront them, and that means giving my heart wholly to the one I am not sure I can trust. Unfortunately we take all of our preconceived beliefs about people and apply them to God. This makes it so hard for God to love us because we keep Him at arms length, in hopes of protecting our souls.

I am not longer accepting this way of life. I will not keep God at arms length so I can feel safe. It’s so irrational, me feeling safe with God far away. It’s a false sense of security, all the while still feeling empty and lack inside. Why not take the dive? Jump full force, pain and all, into the heart of God. No more hiding and believing the lies I tell myself about God.

I want him more than I want to be alone and in control.

Giving up....

2006-09-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

The last few days I have been so stirred inside. I can’t begin to explain what is happening, but I feel like it’s time to wait and time to weep between the porch and the altar.

God is drawing me into a place of complete dissatisfaction with this life. That which used to give me moments of pleasure or happiness, just leave me plain empty. I feel like God is tugging on the sleeve of my heart ever so gently, asking me to commit my life to a message.

Tears have been below the surface and at times of inconvenience well up and overflow. I keep hearing the Lord tell me I am in a season of transition, into what I am not sure, but I know that there is urgency in my heart for it to be done.

The cry of my life is that I want to be an offering, given over the life of Christ. I can admit that I am getting to a point where I no longer care to live this life for me. If I had my way, I would jump off a very high building tomorrow because this longing in my heart for my love is so strong. I just want to be with Him, but I know that I have a call to live not for myself, but for another age and another time. Laying down my life for years of laboring in a secrete place of prayer and fasting. The pain is so worth it, because I am learning that as a messenger, you get to see the reaping of a harvest that would never be without those who will cry out. I know that God is calling me to use my voice in the years to come, but I also know that years of preparation must come first.

God is looking for a friend, someone who will help Him in the mercy strategy for this earth. God promised that He would never destroy the earth again after the flood, but in the days to come, evil will prevail once again. There is a plan and a specific call to the church in the near moments of history. I just want to be with Him, whatever it looks like and takes. Surrender is a daily choice and my heart is to be faithful to the end. So many great men and women of God started off strong, but ended life in bitterness and disconnected from the Lord. I want to be found faithful in the end. That is the race I am running. I will settle for nothing less than being a friend of the Bridegroom.

Horses for lunch

2006-09-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

So right now I really should be working on the six stories I have to get done by deadline at 5pm, but being an opinionated girl, I am so infuriated by what I heard today.

While driving to work this morning, I was listening to NPR and they were reporting a story about a bill that just got passed in the House. It’s called the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act 263-146, and passing it means making it illegal in the States to slaughter horses to be used for consumption. Apparently about 90,000 unwanted horses are killed every year in America and then shipped overseas to places where horse meat is considered a delicacy.

What really gets me going about this, is the quotes I heard from Democratic house members who were claiming that this was a “barbaric and gruesome” practice. They were going on and on about how horrific it is that we allow this in our country, especially with the love that Americans have for horses. They proclaimed how magnificent and special horses are, and that eating them is offensive and cruel.

Let me break something down for you, but before I do, if you are pro-choice you will be offended. I believe that babies in the womb are still people, so I am pro-life. I am also a feminist and think women should be treated fairly, just not when it comes to overriding a person's right to life.

-We kill over 4 million babies in America every year.
-In some states, partial birth abortion is still ok, meaning that if the baby was taken OUT of the mothers womb, it could survive and if a doctor were to pull the body of the baby out of the birth canal before kill it, he or she would be charged with murder.
-Horses are not babies.
-We are more upset and concerned about killing horses and the barbaric treatment of an ANIMAL then we are of innocent people.
-Speaking of barbaric, look up some of the techniques of abortion, one of the most popular procedures is sucking the brain of a baby out with a tube, killing them while still in the womb.

There is something very wrong with our nation. Not only are our government leaders so screwed up that they care more about the welling being of horses then they do people, but they are spending DAYS debating and deciding the fate of old horses. What a waste of time and money.I think I might write a letter about this.

So hard, yet so worth it....

2006-09-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote this yesterday on a group blog that Aaron Weafer has on myspace. The process of forming thoughts about what I am learning in the place of prayer is helping me have more of a focus. Let me know what you think....

Since I have moved to Kansas City, I have been perusing a lifestyle of prayer more fervently then ever before. In that, I have been confronted with a couple on going issues, concerning why it is so hard to engage in the place of prayer.

First of all, the place of prayer truly confronts my bareness. In praying, my true heart and motives are revealed, making me so aware of my lack and the need for God to encounter man. Without Him I am nothing and in prayer I so blatantly see my depth of need, because I do not even know how to pray, let alone do it.

Second, it seems like the moments of true connection with God are far and few between. In running the race, I am learning that if Jesus were to encounter me and fill me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation completely, I would totally blow it and fall into pride. The process of growing character in my heart is found in consistency. Will I pray daily in faith? Will I allow the place of intimacy to look like learning how to push through? The race is a marathon. I must set my heart on allowing Jesus to expand my capacity to love Him, but also to connect me with the pain of being separated from Him. There would be no struggle with surrender or killing my flesh if I always met God just like that. (It also really helps to know that most of the men and woman in the Bible had long seasons of nothing mixed with powerful life changing encounters)

I am also learning that prayer is not necessarily always about talking to God, praying in tongues, or meditation. Something I have learned at IHOP, it that asking God how to pray, sitting in a chair for hours trying to focus, thinking over and over, I don't know how to pray, and feeling totally fruitless....that all IS prayer. Because I am making a statement to God, that even though I am in complete lack, I am committed to seeking Him. I am giving Him the opportunity to use me to intercede and my heart is set on pushing through, even if it takes years of practice.

So, that is what I am learning about prayer. It is not easy and it is not always fun. BUT at the same time I love it. My spirit can come alive, but my flesh usually hates it, feeling like I am wasting my time. Only my faith in the Bible is convincing me that God uses prayers of his servants to change things.

I am realizing that years in the place of hiddeness is my calling, not glamorous, no glory. But I get to do it with the love of my life, so it doesn't seem so bad!!

Stop looking at me...

2006-08-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Now living in the Midwest, I am faced with an odd problem that I have never experienced before, due to the freedom of self expression in the West.

It seems that almost where ever I go, I get odd looks, mostly from girls and ladies. Their eyes roam down the frame of my body and back up to my face. My sister has tried to explain that people are just not used to the way I dress. “It’s just not normal,” she tells me.

Today I am wearing one of my favorite brown dresses; see it has gotten cold outside because of a huge storm, so it is cool enough to wear polyester. I love this dress and think I look really cute, with leggings and baby doll shoes, but as I walk into IHOP, the stares begin. It is very hard for me, because I am just not used to being stared at. In San Fran, my style is subtle compared to most. My look is kinda unimpressive and normal and walking through down town or even at school, no one would look you up and down.

So, it is not the “not fitting in” part that bothers me, it’s the staring. I just do not like to be looked at, especially by people who will not smile back. I try to smile at everyone I make eye contact with, not because I have to, but because I am happy.

I guess God wants to use this to deal with my insecurities and wanting to people please.

I definitely will not stop wearing my wonderful dresses to look like I walked out of an American Eagle catalog. Granted, I do own clothes for A.E., that’s not the point. I don’t want to look like what the big corporations say I should dress like, I am me and happen to like old clothes and grandma sweaters (I am actually wearing my grandma’s old sweater today).

Ok, I guess this is enough ranting, but I should just add, that if I see some one who is different than me I think it's cool. Way to go for them. You like green hair, cool man. You dig wearing abercrombie, wear it. Just accept person expression...

Talk about out of nowhere....

2006-08-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel shell shocked right now. I had an interview for becoming prayer room staff at IHOP this morning and the conversation went from me sharing my heart to the interviewer saying, “Are you sure you are not called to be fulltime on staff?”

Of course I am sure….

I like my apartment, I like traveling if I want, I like buying things, I like taking care of myself, I like not worrying about money…..

All of those reasons are completely invalid. My heart is stirred up and I am having such a hard time focusing on my job today. So much swirling around in my mind.

Choosing to become fulltime staff means several things that include a lot of killing my flesh. I would have to do a 3 month internship, more school oh boy. Then I would have to raise support for my life. I would have to get out of my year lease and probably move in with other people, ugh. I would have to break it to my boss that my two year commitment is not going to happen. And then I would try and pray 30-40 hours a week, along with ministry type stuff, like working on community stuff, using my journalism background, and also maybe even help with counseling.

Does it sound like a great exchange? Not really. Does it seem like I would be walking in more of my calling? Yes. Would that mean directly impacting other peoples’ lives? Yes.

So now the process of listening, waiting and praying for direction begins. My gut is feeling weird. I am nervous about even talking to God about this. Talk about a freaking humongous leap of faith…I want to be ready though and I want to be pursuing a life of a messenger. I want to be a woman of character and strength and I want to do it if that is what I am called to.

So I guess this move might turn into more of a sacrifice then I thought……

Again I surrender...

2006-08-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

I am learning that in the midst of temptation, there is an out. Last night I found my self just desiring that which I can or do not want in reality. It was like my flesh was rising up and trying to be its own vindicator. In the moment I felt so weak, but as I started to tell a friend about that which Jesus has been speaking to me lately, I became sober, remembering all that I am fighting for.

My heart longs to be the bride of purity, that will stand up and say, “no! the fires in his eyes is worth my whole heart, nothing less.” I will give Him all of me everyday. He is jealous for me and in His passion for me requires I surrender even the deep depraved parts of my soul. He is burning for me. That is more real and powerful than any temptation.

He is the reward of my soul. When I say “no” to my flesh, His pleasure is for me. He is my goal and I will not stop running the race in pursuit of Him.

When we are weak, He is strong. My heart rejoices in this truth, it gets me out of my cornered state, I do not have to be strong, I can just surrender to Jesus and let Him be strong for me. Hallelujah!!

Also, I am really excited because Mike Bickle is starting a series this friday night on the Song of Solomon. I can not wait!!

2 Cor 12:9-10
"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Quiet times...

2006-08-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

"The created world is more unlike God than it is like Him."

This is from a book I am reading about being a mystic. The topic was concerning how to connect, being a created being, with an uncreated God. The way is not a natural way, just like you cannot reach the stars by climbing on a ladder. There must be a deeper place that we have communion with Him. The only way is through faith. Unless we are able to have faith, we may not encounter His spirit or the life of contemplation.

This seems very dark and unclear, but that is the way a life of faith must be lived, in a place of never really being clear and "see through a mirror darkly". It makes me feel better to know that John the beloved also felt this place of uncertainty, like grasping for something that is not solid. Faith is something only identified by the after effects, or the life behaviors AFTER it has been demonstrated in my heart. I cannot truly get it until I have walked through it and look back saying, "oh, that was a time when faith arose in my heart!"

I spent a few days this weekend doing a silence fast. This is where you do not talk. It made me desire true solitude. Far away from America or at least from society, like a cabin deep in the woods. But I really want to go to a monastery and stay. I know a lady who goes to monasteries and convents several times a year for weeks at a time to really get away with God. I used to think not talking would kill me, but it is really amazing how much I liked it. Living alone has prepared me a bit, for most of the time I am silent in my little home. But what I missed most was singing and praying out loud!! It was hard to go to church and not sing.

Anyways, my blog counter shows a dramatic increase in people reading my blog. So, if you could leave me a comment and let me know you are reading this, I would appreciate it. Thanks and feel free to comment on what I am writing too...

-Stephanie

What's on my mind...

2006-08-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

I went to the prayer room from about 7am to 12pm. It was good, but I am a bit distracted. Shanon is now going to pray with me in the mornings, which makes me so happy! But she can also distract me, cause she is so stinking cute, and we think too much a like and start busting up. I have never realized how much we are alike. Not as in personalities, but just the way we think. Laughing is so much a part of our interactions, and I love it, mainly because there never needs to be an explanation for the other to “get it”.

On a more unfortunate note….here is a confession…

so last year this time I was still watching television and totally addicted to MTV, yes I admit it, I know it is really embarrassing, but true. Real World, Road Rules, you name it, I was glued to the screen wondering what belligerent drama would enfold next. So, fast forward to present day, I am MTV free and do not even own bunny rabbit ears for my television that sits in my living room, untouched with a shawl from Indonesia covering it up. All this to say that I like this change in my life. I read the news online everyday, as to stay up on world occurrences, but do not view commercials or stupid sitcom reruns to pass the time. I do have a small problem though. It happens before I know it and then it is too late. BAM! And I am totally sucked in and time fades into the background.

See, I can not walk past grocery store checkout stands without grabbing the first entertainment magazine and flipping through the entire thing. Today, I went to get a snack after an interview, and the next thing you know I am standing in the store, rummaging through the magazine like it is indispensable to me. I have to tell myself out loud- “Stephanie. Put the magazine down. Right now!!” and then I do. But, I still try and read all the covers while waiting in line….it’s my dark secrete…and it totally needs to stop.

I really do not like the fact that I have to wear shoes all day. Something I am not used to. The first thing I do when I get to my desk is to throw them off. But then I get up to walk to the copy machine and feel odd not having my shoes on. It is so lame. I hate shoes and clothes for that matter. The first thing I do when I get home from work is tear off my work clothes to put on pjs. My roommate Chelsea did not see me in real clothes until we had lived together for like a month. I remember her saying something like “oh wow, you are dressed,” yeah, I felt so shamed for my pro-pajama lifestyle. It hurt. So you know what I did?? Got my OWN place. Take that discrimination.

My insides hurt

2006-08-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am walking on a path that is getting more and more narrow, with less and less room for me to take people, things, or even supplies. I know that this call I am answering is painful and right now the pain is very real.

I got a bunch of emails from friends doing fun things together far away and that just added to the reality that I am alone. God keeps telling me to trust, that He is bringing me friends. So I sigh and surrender.

The killing of my flesh seems timely. I also feel like I am about to embark on a new adventure. I think it is a place God alone is taking me. There is nothing more I desire then to know Him deeply. My barrenness is so apparent right now. It hangs in my chest with nowhere to go and nothing able to fill the hole inside. Only God can pour in and make me satisfied. He promised to fill me. He said he would take me higher; I am just beginning to understand that the higher I go, the less I can carry with me and the harder it is to breathe. The world seems harder to bare. The paradigm of living in Christ and longing to be with Him is very real in my emotions right now.

Pain is uncovered when I say no to anger. Saying no to the defense mechanism of my soul makes my weakness become clearer. Patience is about accepting my pain and realizing that only in Christ will I have the strengths to stand. I wish that my soul would just die already. The process of dying is life, but it is so uncomfortable and no one can do it with you. The journey up the mountain is a solo trip.

Orange slices stick in my teeth

2006-08-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at work thinking about what to do for the next three hours. I have a story to write, but that only takes me about an hour, so that leaves two.

My job is very laid back and I come and go as I please, but there just does not seem like there is enough to do. School starts soon, so I hope that will impact me with busyness.

I was thinking about writing last night, while trying to fall asleep. I have started writing more, now that I am sitting in front of a computer all day. I take breaks from work and just begin to type away at my thoughts. It's so funny how some writing sucks the life out of me, while other times it makes me feel a release. But back to the point; I really like spending 15-20 minuets composing my feelings and ideas down into sentences, then rereading it two or three times to make edits, all to then delete it.

I have come to believe that one way you know you are writer is that it is the process you enjoy, not the end result. Personally, I get reward in the moments of configuring my thoughts into interesting sentences, not in the three paragraphs I end up with.

Just me theorizing I suppose. I sure like to think about the "whys" in life. What can I say, I like analyzing the big picture.

die oh flesh of mine....

2006-07-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow it will be one month in Kansas City. It seems like so long ago and also so recent ago that I change everything and took a step of faith.

I feel like I have learned more about the truth over the last few weeks then I ever have. There is this amazing spirit of revelation happening in my heart and it is shaking the entire way I view life. I am reading this book called "When Jesus Returns" and it is so good. There is a great quote in there that is a new definition of how I believe:

"His return to earth is the very hinge of our hope, on which everything else turns."

My heart longs to understand the Word more deeply. I want to have it hidden in my heart, so that it is a part of who I am.

There is just so much in me that wants to be free of this earthly body. I just want to be with Him. It so hard, trying over and over to expand and push my inner man to be like Jesus. Flesh is not very good at being holy. But that is the process and pain of this world.....using the destructible to overcome and tap into the indestructible.

Awakened Love

2006-06-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

It is a rainy Saturday afternoon in Kansas City. Thunder was rumbling around the sky a few hours ago, and I have come to learn that the weather here is a bit unpredictable.

So far my two weeks in this place have been spent trying to get settled and spending time at the prayer room. It's where I am right now, actually. I am sitting at a table, but most of the room is rows of blue chairs. There is a stage, with a live band 24-hours a day. Right now the leader is playing one of his own songs, I think. There are two lead guitar players, a pianist, base player, another guitar, drummer, and about five back up singers. It is quite a full band. Oh, and a prayer leader.

Spending hours a day praying here is interesting, most of the time I try and focus, since there so much on stage to watch. I think the most profound moments I have had thus far, involve the Bible. Since moving here, I feel like the Word has just been opened up to me, like I am reading it from a new perspective. It's like it is a treasure map, and hidden within are secretes for me alone to discover. I can not get over how powerful it is to just read piece of the Word over and over. I really feel it changing me inside. My heart is set on prayer. I want to be a resting place for God. He longs for a place to dwell, so I want to give Him my soul. That is my inner desire, above all else I want to know God, and the secretes of His heart.

Ephesians 3:9 "...and to make all see what is the fellowship of the mystery, which from the beginning of the ages has been hidden in God who created all things through Jesus Christ."

My journey is set of diving into the deep of God and searching out His mysteries. They have been hidden in Him for ages....that means millions and millions of years. Wow, I can't believe I get the chance to see such truth.

I start my new job on Monday and I excited to see how it goes. I am looking forward to some type of schedule. I still have lots to do in my apartment and shopping for a working girl wardrobe....but it will all come with time.....

Starting out.

2006-06-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am in a whole new place.....

I kinda like starting out, it is something I am good at and find an odd sence of acomplishment in- to leave a defined life and step into the unknown. This is obiousvly scarry, but if it is right, and I mean it has to be right in the gut, then the peace is so real.

It has been a very long time since I have used the internet as a journal...I want to be sure not to go too far, or reveal too much, cause somethings should never be typed. I do however hope to fill you in on my life, in the ways I could if I called you on the phone. That will be nice.

I look forward to this space on blogger....far away from the evils of myspace. and also far away from my past of diaryland.

This seems right and I like it.