Tension

Usually I don’t blog on the weekends because I avoid typing on the computer while not at work, but not tonight.

I went to church last night and by the time worship began, it occurred to me that I did not want to be there. I stayed for a few reasons, but was antsy during most of the sermon. Mike was talking about the life of David and how he really chose to live for “one thing”. Then he challenged us to examine our hearts and confirm that we are living the way we say we live.

I have been thinking on it ever since. It is easier to act and talk like we are living a fasted life in the place of prayer then to do it. “I just got done at the prayer room”, “I can’t eat that I’m fasting”, “I don’t watch television”. All of those statements are fine, but they are just words.

No one can really PROVE we are living to behold the beauty of God. Mike said this is not something to just be tacked on to our already busy spiritual goals, like “oh yeah, that’s a good point, lets run after the beauty of God while we are going for salvations, signs and wonders, and revival.”

My heart should ache and hurt because I am not in the place of beholding God the way He should be sought.

It doesn’t.

Today has been hard and full of people asking me what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make God important on the inside”. That’s what is going on, but I just tell them a list of other reasons. I like to lie to myself about my lack, it makes me feel better, I guess. But when it comes to the end of the day I understand that feeling far from knowing God bothers my soul.

I should be happy with the agitation, but being a person dedicated to becoming the perfection of Christ, it just once again settles my need to trust Jesus completely.

My hope is that soon I will day dream about this process and be so consumed that He takes up my thoughts at the unconscious level. Right now it’s still conscious…

Early morning woes

Today is chili day at work. The entire office reeks of an aroma reminiscent of hamburgers and ketchup. It’s only 10am.

I walked into our conference room to see tables of about ten crock pots bubbling with different shades of chili and realized how much I am still a singleton. I do not own a crock pot, or even a good pot for that matter. I can not remember the last time a meal did not include the freezer and the cheap microwave I bought at Wal-Mart.

There is a competition for who has the best chili, I am not sure why, or what the prize is, but it’s a pretty serious event. People keep rising from their desks to mosey into the conference room to check on their pot and give it a stir. The lady heading up the contest even yelled to everyone that the contest is off, hoping to lessen the competition. And you can not tell ANYONE which pot is yours, or off with your head!

I on the other hand am having a hard time concentrating. I have several stories to write and my lame headphones broke, so I have no angry girl music to blare while writing about librarians and internet safety for kids.

I am stir crazy cause I got over ten hours of sleep. See, I went to bed early in hopes of rising this morning at 6am to go for a run. My thought process is that I have no problem getting up to go pray at that time, but I am not so motivated to head out into the cold morning to run around my neighborhood. Apparently electric guitars and drums are more alluring for this music snob in the early morning hours.

This is a problem because I will be consuming unusual amount of chili today to help decide which one is the best…I really needed that exercise. And I got my results from that test; I have high cholesterol at age 23. How is this possible?? At least I am not alone, almost everyone else in the office did too, even my thin friend Amy. I blame our sedative jobs, birthday cakes, and chili contests….

Hope I have good cholesterol.

So a couple years ago, no more like three or four, I needed to get my blood drawn. This was during my "I'm going to be a doctor" pre-med phase. Blood and needles never really bothered me before; I mean I liked watching those true ER shows on TV and stuff. So, being the intelligent girl that I am, I told the nurse lady taking my blood that I was into medicine and going to watch. She smiled and we talked a bit about the health care business.

After looking for a vein for what seemed a very long time, she stuck my arm with a needle with my eyes glued on her every move. With no luck, she pulled the needle back out of my arm, saying something about having a hard time finding my deep veins. Lets try again, she says. (At this point I am still feeling fine, just hoping she hits the mark). So, in she goes again with the needle, only this time, she begins DIGGING around in my arm, trying to hit a vein. People, she was digging in my arm!! At that's when I apparently had a mild seizure and passed out. All I remember is waking up to my mom freaked out and asking for the lady to get a doctor.

"Is that why you decide not to become a doctor?" asked the man who was about to take my blood today at work at free health clinic day.

"No I failed physics," I told him.

He laughed and asked if it was because I was doing too much partying.

"No, I just don't care about learning the details of things I can't see, like force and gravity." I replied.

Side track: Who cares WHY my pen drops to the floor when it rolls off my desk. Or how fast it went and what happens if you do the same thing from a higher point. NOT ME. I don't care.

Yeah, I tell my passing out story every time I get my blood drawn. Mainly to let the person who is sticking me know I don't want any funny business.

My palms still get clammy and my heart still races when the rap my arm with the rubber band and start pressing down on my arm, looking for the perfect vein.

Thankfully, this guy was a pro and before you know it I was holding a cotton ball on my little wound for health sake.

Apparently threatening to pass out really works.

I'm imploding, I promise...

I think if you are open to the Holy Spirit, you will always be learning something. Right now I feel like there are a bunch of lessons He is trying to teach me. At times it can be overwhelming to be dying in so many areas of flesh, like I am going to burst into a million pieces because of what is happening in my heart, but that does not happen. I am still exactly the same on the outside. You would not guess any of this by looking at me.

A little run down:

- First of all I am learning how to wait. Not to move or make a decision or shut down my heart because the future is not clear. Giving time and God permission to answer my questions slowly.
- I am also learning how to trust. This is a lesson that will take a life time to learn, I know that. It’s not new, but deeper then before. I am trying to give Jesus my entire heart probably for the first time ever. In the past I have always thought and told God He had all of me, but I still kept the deepest parts of me hidden and reserved for only me. The deepest parts hurt the most when you give them over to the light, not because they are evil, but so sensitive to being exposed.
- Choosing to love friends who do not love me back. Trying to love with no expectation.
- Did I mention trust? This is so hard!!
- Then there is me trying to unlearn the lies I believe about God. It’s all those life experiences that want to form a belief system in my soul about who Jesus is. I want to believe that God is who He says He is. Amen.
- Prayer can change things. About a month ago I prayed for this girl all morning while she was HAVING an abortion in another state. She is a friend of mine’s co-worker. Yeah, it’s been a month and she recently went to the doctor and she is still pregnant. This is unbelievable. Please pray with me that she will make the right choice and not get another abortion.

What's really going on...

When I feel like I am at a place of surrender, it seems to get that much more necessary to go the next step. God never stops longing for my heart, in the deepest places. The last few nights I have been pouring that deep out to Him.

There is this place in me that I think everyone has, a part of you that it is hard to surrender. There is something to being human, and wanting to have some independence. Complete dependence on the Lord requires so much trust. I love Jesus more then anyone in the entire world, but I still find myself wanting to protect my deepest places from Him. It is totally crazy, but so nature to hide. Pulling away the protective layer I keep between me and the Holy Spirit hurts. There must be a realization of this process and a choice to go through it, even thought the steps involve lots of tears and brokenness.

I know that this broken heart of mine will be the offering that pleases the Lord. Only in a place of being exposed can I put to test my love for Him. Will He hurt me? Will He leave me? Will He honor my hurt? Those questions collide with the lies I think I must believe about God. When I am confronted with my questions, that also hurts. I do not like that I do not believe the best about my Jesus, but with time and surrender, this is changing.

In order to quench the lies, I have to be willing to confront them, and that means giving my heart wholly to the one I am not sure I can trust. Unfortunately we take all of our preconceived beliefs about people and apply them to God. This makes it so hard for God to love us because we keep Him at arms length, in hopes of protecting our souls.

I am not longer accepting this way of life. I will not keep God at arms length so I can feel safe. It’s so irrational, me feeling safe with God far away. It’s a false sense of security, all the while still feeling empty and lack inside. Why not take the dive? Jump full force, pain and all, into the heart of God. No more hiding and believing the lies I tell myself about God.

I want him more than I want to be alone and in control.

Giving up....

The last few days I have been so stirred inside. I can’t begin to explain what is happening, but I feel like it’s time to wait and time to weep between the porch and the altar.

God is drawing me into a place of complete dissatisfaction with this life. That which used to give me moments of pleasure or happiness, just leave me plain empty. I feel like God is tugging on the sleeve of my heart ever so gently, asking me to commit my life to a message.

Tears have been below the surface and at times of inconvenience well up and overflow. I keep hearing the Lord tell me I am in a season of transition, into what I am not sure, but I know that there is urgency in my heart for it to be done.

The cry of my life is that I want to be an offering, given over the life of Christ. I can admit that I am getting to a point where I no longer care to live this life for me. If I had my way, I would jump off a very high building tomorrow because this longing in my heart for my love is so strong. I just want to be with Him, but I know that I have a call to live not for myself, but for another age and another time. Laying down my life for years of laboring in a secrete place of prayer and fasting. The pain is so worth it, because I am learning that as a messenger, you get to see the reaping of a harvest that would never be without those who will cry out. I know that God is calling me to use my voice in the years to come, but I also know that years of preparation must come first.

God is looking for a friend, someone who will help Him in the mercy strategy for this earth. God promised that He would never destroy the earth again after the flood, but in the days to come, evil will prevail once again. There is a plan and a specific call to the church in the near moments of history. I just want to be with Him, whatever it looks like and takes. Surrender is a daily choice and my heart is to be faithful to the end. So many great men and women of God started off strong, but ended life in bitterness and disconnected from the Lord. I want to be found faithful in the end. That is the race I am running. I will settle for nothing less than being a friend of the Bridegroom.

Horses for lunch

So right now I really should be working on the six stories I have to get done by deadline at 5pm, but being an opinionated girl, I am so infuriated by what I heard today.

While driving to work this morning, I was listening to NPR and they were reporting a story about a bill that just got passed in the House. It’s called the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act 263-146, and passing it means making it illegal in the States to slaughter horses to be used for consumption. Apparently about 90,000 unwanted horses are killed every year in America and then shipped overseas to places where horse meat is considered a delicacy.

What really gets me going about this, is the quotes I heard from Democratic house members who were claiming that this was a “barbaric and gruesome” practice. They were going on and on about how horrific it is that we allow this in our country, especially with the love that Americans have for horses. They proclaimed how magnificent and special horses are, and that eating them is offensive and cruel.

Let me break something down for you, but before I do, if you are pro-choice you will be offended. I believe that babies in the womb are still people, so I am pro-life. I am also a feminist and think women should be treated fairly, just not when it comes to overriding a person's right to life.

-We kill over 4 million babies in America every year.
-In some states, partial birth abortion is still ok, meaning that if the baby was taken OUT of the mothers womb, it could survive and if a doctor were to pull the body of the baby out of the birth canal before kill it, he or she would be charged with murder.
-Horses are not babies.
-We are more upset and concerned about killing horses and the barbaric treatment of an ANIMAL then we are of innocent people.
-Speaking of barbaric, look up some of the techniques of abortion, one of the most popular procedures is sucking the brain of a baby out with a tube, killing them while still in the womb.

There is something very wrong with our nation. Not only are our government leaders so screwed up that they care more about the welling being of horses then they do people, but they are spending DAYS debating and deciding the fate of old horses. What a waste of time and money.I think I might write a letter about this.

So hard, yet so worth it....

I wrote this yesterday on a group blog that Aaron Weafer has on myspace. The process of forming thoughts about what I am learning in the place of prayer is helping me have more of a focus. Let me know what you think....

Since I have moved to Kansas City, I have been perusing a lifestyle of prayer more fervently then ever before. In that, I have been confronted with a couple on going issues, concerning why it is so hard to engage in the place of prayer.

First of all, the place of prayer truly confronts my bareness. In praying, my true heart and motives are revealed, making me so aware of my lack and the need for God to encounter man. Without Him I am nothing and in prayer I so blatantly see my depth of need, because I do not even know how to pray, let alone do it.

Second, it seems like the moments of true connection with God are far and few between. In running the race, I am learning that if Jesus were to encounter me and fill me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation completely, I would totally blow it and fall into pride. The process of growing character in my heart is found in consistency. Will I pray daily in faith? Will I allow the place of intimacy to look like learning how to push through? The race is a marathon. I must set my heart on allowing Jesus to expand my capacity to love Him, but also to connect me with the pain of being separated from Him. There would be no struggle with surrender or killing my flesh if I always met God just like that. (It also really helps to know that most of the men and woman in the Bible had long seasons of nothing mixed with powerful life changing encounters)

I am also learning that prayer is not necessarily always about talking to God, praying in tongues, or meditation. Something I have learned at IHOP, it that asking God how to pray, sitting in a chair for hours trying to focus, thinking over and over, I don't know how to pray, and feeling totally fruitless....that all IS prayer. Because I am making a statement to God, that even though I am in complete lack, I am committed to seeking Him. I am giving Him the opportunity to use me to intercede and my heart is set on pushing through, even if it takes years of practice.

So, that is what I am learning about prayer. It is not easy and it is not always fun. BUT at the same time I love it. My spirit can come alive, but my flesh usually hates it, feeling like I am wasting my time. Only my faith in the Bible is convincing me that God uses prayers of his servants to change things.

I am realizing that years in the place of hiddeness is my calling, not glamorous, no glory. But I get to do it with the love of my life, so it doesn't seem so bad!!