Stop looking at me...

Now living in the Midwest, I am faced with an odd problem that I have never experienced before, due to the freedom of self expression in the West.

It seems that almost where ever I go, I get odd looks, mostly from girls and ladies. Their eyes roam down the frame of my body and back up to my face. My sister has tried to explain that people are just not used to the way I dress. “It’s just not normal,” she tells me.

Today I am wearing one of my favorite brown dresses; see it has gotten cold outside because of a huge storm, so it is cool enough to wear polyester. I love this dress and think I look really cute, with leggings and baby doll shoes, but as I walk into IHOP, the stares begin. It is very hard for me, because I am just not used to being stared at. In San Fran, my style is subtle compared to most. My look is kinda unimpressive and normal and walking through down town or even at school, no one would look you up and down.

So, it is not the “not fitting in” part that bothers me, it’s the staring. I just do not like to be looked at, especially by people who will not smile back. I try to smile at everyone I make eye contact with, not because I have to, but because I am happy.

I guess God wants to use this to deal with my insecurities and wanting to people please.

I definitely will not stop wearing my wonderful dresses to look like I walked out of an American Eagle catalog. Granted, I do own clothes for A.E., that’s not the point. I don’t want to look like what the big corporations say I should dress like, I am me and happen to like old clothes and grandma sweaters (I am actually wearing my grandma’s old sweater today).

Ok, I guess this is enough ranting, but I should just add, that if I see some one who is different than me I think it's cool. Way to go for them. You like green hair, cool man. You dig wearing abercrombie, wear it. Just accept person expression...

Talk about out of nowhere....

Well, I feel shell shocked right now. I had an interview for becoming prayer room staff at IHOP this morning and the conversation went from me sharing my heart to the interviewer saying, “Are you sure you are not called to be fulltime on staff?”

Of course I am sure….

I like my apartment, I like traveling if I want, I like buying things, I like taking care of myself, I like not worrying about money…..

All of those reasons are completely invalid. My heart is stirred up and I am having such a hard time focusing on my job today. So much swirling around in my mind.

Choosing to become fulltime staff means several things that include a lot of killing my flesh. I would have to do a 3 month internship, more school oh boy. Then I would have to raise support for my life. I would have to get out of my year lease and probably move in with other people, ugh. I would have to break it to my boss that my two year commitment is not going to happen. And then I would try and pray 30-40 hours a week, along with ministry type stuff, like working on community stuff, using my journalism background, and also maybe even help with counseling.

Does it sound like a great exchange? Not really. Does it seem like I would be walking in more of my calling? Yes. Would that mean directly impacting other peoples’ lives? Yes.

So now the process of listening, waiting and praying for direction begins. My gut is feeling weird. I am nervous about even talking to God about this. Talk about a freaking humongous leap of faith…I want to be ready though and I want to be pursuing a life of a messenger. I want to be a woman of character and strength and I want to do it if that is what I am called to.

So I guess this move might turn into more of a sacrifice then I thought……

Again I surrender...

I am learning that in the midst of temptation, there is an out. Last night I found my self just desiring that which I can or do not want in reality. It was like my flesh was rising up and trying to be its own vindicator. In the moment I felt so weak, but as I started to tell a friend about that which Jesus has been speaking to me lately, I became sober, remembering all that I am fighting for.

My heart longs to be the bride of purity, that will stand up and say, “no! the fires in his eyes is worth my whole heart, nothing less.” I will give Him all of me everyday. He is jealous for me and in His passion for me requires I surrender even the deep depraved parts of my soul. He is burning for me. That is more real and powerful than any temptation.

He is the reward of my soul. When I say “no” to my flesh, His pleasure is for me. He is my goal and I will not stop running the race in pursuit of Him.

When we are weak, He is strong. My heart rejoices in this truth, it gets me out of my cornered state, I do not have to be strong, I can just surrender to Jesus and let Him be strong for me. Hallelujah!!

Also, I am really excited because Mike Bickle is starting a series this friday night on the Song of Solomon. I can not wait!!

2 Cor 12:9-10
"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Quiet times...

"The created world is more unlike God than it is like Him."

This is from a book I am reading about being a mystic. The topic was concerning how to connect, being a created being, with an uncreated God. The way is not a natural way, just like you cannot reach the stars by climbing on a ladder. There must be a deeper place that we have communion with Him. The only way is through faith. Unless we are able to have faith, we may not encounter His spirit or the life of contemplation.

This seems very dark and unclear, but that is the way a life of faith must be lived, in a place of never really being clear and "see through a mirror darkly". It makes me feel better to know that John the beloved also felt this place of uncertainty, like grasping for something that is not solid. Faith is something only identified by the after effects, or the life behaviors AFTER it has been demonstrated in my heart. I cannot truly get it until I have walked through it and look back saying, "oh, that was a time when faith arose in my heart!"

I spent a few days this weekend doing a silence fast. This is where you do not talk. It made me desire true solitude. Far away from America or at least from society, like a cabin deep in the woods. But I really want to go to a monastery and stay. I know a lady who goes to monasteries and convents several times a year for weeks at a time to really get away with God. I used to think not talking would kill me, but it is really amazing how much I liked it. Living alone has prepared me a bit, for most of the time I am silent in my little home. But what I missed most was singing and praying out loud!! It was hard to go to church and not sing.

Anyways, my blog counter shows a dramatic increase in people reading my blog. So, if you could leave me a comment and let me know you are reading this, I would appreciate it. Thanks and feel free to comment on what I am writing too...

-Stephanie

What's on my mind...

I went to the prayer room from about 7am to 12pm. It was good, but I am a bit distracted. Shanon is now going to pray with me in the mornings, which makes me so happy! But she can also distract me, cause she is so stinking cute, and we think too much a like and start busting up. I have never realized how much we are alike. Not as in personalities, but just the way we think. Laughing is so much a part of our interactions, and I love it, mainly because there never needs to be an explanation for the other to “get it”.

On a more unfortunate note….here is a confession…

so last year this time I was still watching television and totally addicted to MTV, yes I admit it, I know it is really embarrassing, but true. Real World, Road Rules, you name it, I was glued to the screen wondering what belligerent drama would enfold next. So, fast forward to present day, I am MTV free and do not even own bunny rabbit ears for my television that sits in my living room, untouched with a shawl from Indonesia covering it up. All this to say that I like this change in my life. I read the news online everyday, as to stay up on world occurrences, but do not view commercials or stupid sitcom reruns to pass the time. I do have a small problem though. It happens before I know it and then it is too late. BAM! And I am totally sucked in and time fades into the background.

See, I can not walk past grocery store checkout stands without grabbing the first entertainment magazine and flipping through the entire thing. Today, I went to get a snack after an interview, and the next thing you know I am standing in the store, rummaging through the magazine like it is indispensable to me. I have to tell myself out loud- “Stephanie. Put the magazine down. Right now!!” and then I do. But, I still try and read all the covers while waiting in line….it’s my dark secrete…and it totally needs to stop.

I really do not like the fact that I have to wear shoes all day. Something I am not used to. The first thing I do when I get to my desk is to throw them off. But then I get up to walk to the copy machine and feel odd not having my shoes on. It is so lame. I hate shoes and clothes for that matter. The first thing I do when I get home from work is tear off my work clothes to put on pjs. My roommate Chelsea did not see me in real clothes until we had lived together for like a month. I remember her saying something like “oh wow, you are dressed,” yeah, I felt so shamed for my pro-pajama lifestyle. It hurt. So you know what I did?? Got my OWN place. Take that discrimination.

My insides hurt

I feel like I am walking on a path that is getting more and more narrow, with less and less room for me to take people, things, or even supplies. I know that this call I am answering is painful and right now the pain is very real.

I got a bunch of emails from friends doing fun things together far away and that just added to the reality that I am alone. God keeps telling me to trust, that He is bringing me friends. So I sigh and surrender.

The killing of my flesh seems timely. I also feel like I am about to embark on a new adventure. I think it is a place God alone is taking me. There is nothing more I desire then to know Him deeply. My barrenness is so apparent right now. It hangs in my chest with nowhere to go and nothing able to fill the hole inside. Only God can pour in and make me satisfied. He promised to fill me. He said he would take me higher; I am just beginning to understand that the higher I go, the less I can carry with me and the harder it is to breathe. The world seems harder to bare. The paradigm of living in Christ and longing to be with Him is very real in my emotions right now.

Pain is uncovered when I say no to anger. Saying no to the defense mechanism of my soul makes my weakness become clearer. Patience is about accepting my pain and realizing that only in Christ will I have the strengths to stand. I wish that my soul would just die already. The process of dying is life, but it is so uncomfortable and no one can do it with you. The journey up the mountain is a solo trip.

Orange slices stick in my teeth

I am sitting at work thinking about what to do for the next three hours. I have a story to write, but that only takes me about an hour, so that leaves two.

My job is very laid back and I come and go as I please, but there just does not seem like there is enough to do. School starts soon, so I hope that will impact me with busyness.

I was thinking about writing last night, while trying to fall asleep. I have started writing more, now that I am sitting in front of a computer all day. I take breaks from work and just begin to type away at my thoughts. It's so funny how some writing sucks the life out of me, while other times it makes me feel a release. But back to the point; I really like spending 15-20 minuets composing my feelings and ideas down into sentences, then rereading it two or three times to make edits, all to then delete it.

I have come to believe that one way you know you are writer is that it is the process you enjoy, not the end result. Personally, I get reward in the moments of configuring my thoughts into interesting sentences, not in the three paragraphs I end up with.

Just me theorizing I suppose. I sure like to think about the "whys" in life. What can I say, I like analyzing the big picture.