What's really going on...
When I feel like I am at a place of surrender, it seems to get that much more necessary to go the next step. God never stops longing for my heart, in the deepest places. The last few nights I have been pouring that deep out to Him.
There is this place in me that I think everyone has, a part of you that it is hard to surrender. There is something to being human, and wanting to have some independence. Complete dependence on the Lord requires so much trust. I love Jesus more then anyone in the entire world, but I still find myself wanting to protect my deepest places from Him. It is totally crazy, but so nature to hide. Pulling away the protective layer I keep between me and the Holy Spirit hurts. There must be a realization of this process and a choice to go through it, even thought the steps involve lots of tears and brokenness.
I know that this broken heart of mine will be the offering that pleases the Lord. Only in a place of being exposed can I put to test my love for Him. Will He hurt me? Will He leave me? Will He honor my hurt? Those questions collide with the lies I think I must believe about God. When I am confronted with my questions, that also hurts. I do not like that I do not believe the best about my Jesus, but with time and surrender, this is changing.
In order to quench the lies, I have to be willing to confront them, and that means giving my heart wholly to the one I am not sure I can trust. Unfortunately we take all of our preconceived beliefs about people and apply them to God. This makes it so hard for God to love us because we keep Him at arms length, in hopes of protecting our souls.
I am not longer accepting this way of life. I will not keep God at arms length so I can feel safe. It’s so irrational, me feeling safe with God far away. It’s a false sense of security, all the while still feeling empty and lack inside. Why not take the dive? Jump full force, pain and all, into the heart of God. No more hiding and believing the lies I tell myself about God.
I want him more than I want to be alone and in control.
There is this place in me that I think everyone has, a part of you that it is hard to surrender. There is something to being human, and wanting to have some independence. Complete dependence on the Lord requires so much trust. I love Jesus more then anyone in the entire world, but I still find myself wanting to protect my deepest places from Him. It is totally crazy, but so nature to hide. Pulling away the protective layer I keep between me and the Holy Spirit hurts. There must be a realization of this process and a choice to go through it, even thought the steps involve lots of tears and brokenness.
I know that this broken heart of mine will be the offering that pleases the Lord. Only in a place of being exposed can I put to test my love for Him. Will He hurt me? Will He leave me? Will He honor my hurt? Those questions collide with the lies I think I must believe about God. When I am confronted with my questions, that also hurts. I do not like that I do not believe the best about my Jesus, but with time and surrender, this is changing.
In order to quench the lies, I have to be willing to confront them, and that means giving my heart wholly to the one I am not sure I can trust. Unfortunately we take all of our preconceived beliefs about people and apply them to God. This makes it so hard for God to love us because we keep Him at arms length, in hopes of protecting our souls.
I am not longer accepting this way of life. I will not keep God at arms length so I can feel safe. It’s so irrational, me feeling safe with God far away. It’s a false sense of security, all the while still feeling empty and lack inside. Why not take the dive? Jump full force, pain and all, into the heart of God. No more hiding and believing the lies I tell myself about God.
I want him more than I want to be alone and in control.
posted by stephanie | 7:34 AM
2 Comments:
My heart truely identifies with your words. They move me to greater hunger. You are such a blessing.
seriously, i love you. maybe because we are alot alike. and i love me, o wait that is the part of me that is suppose to be dying. well i guess it is a process and it isnt finished. :) love ya
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