Tension
Usually I don’t blog on the weekends because I avoid typing on the computer while not at work, but not tonight.
I went to church last night and by the time worship began, it occurred to me that I did not want to be there. I stayed for a few reasons, but was antsy during most of the sermon. Mike was talking about the life of David and how he really chose to live for “one thing”. Then he challenged us to examine our hearts and confirm that we are living the way we say we live.
I have been thinking on it ever since. It is easier to act and talk like we are living a fasted life in the place of prayer then to do it. “I just got done at the prayer room”, “I can’t eat that I’m fasting”, “I don’t watch television”. All of those statements are fine, but they are just words.
No one can really PROVE we are living to behold the beauty of God. Mike said this is not something to just be tacked on to our already busy spiritual goals, like “oh yeah, that’s a good point, lets run after the beauty of God while we are going for salvations, signs and wonders, and revival.”
My heart should ache and hurt because I am not in the place of beholding God the way He should be sought.
It doesn’t.
Today has been hard and full of people asking me what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make God important on the inside”. That’s what is going on, but I just tell them a list of other reasons. I like to lie to myself about my lack, it makes me feel better, I guess. But when it comes to the end of the day I understand that feeling far from knowing God bothers my soul.
I should be happy with the agitation, but being a person dedicated to becoming the perfection of Christ, it just once again settles my need to trust Jesus completely.
My hope is that soon I will day dream about this process and be so consumed that He takes up my thoughts at the unconscious level. Right now it’s still conscious…
I went to church last night and by the time worship began, it occurred to me that I did not want to be there. I stayed for a few reasons, but was antsy during most of the sermon. Mike was talking about the life of David and how he really chose to live for “one thing”. Then he challenged us to examine our hearts and confirm that we are living the way we say we live.
I have been thinking on it ever since. It is easier to act and talk like we are living a fasted life in the place of prayer then to do it. “I just got done at the prayer room”, “I can’t eat that I’m fasting”, “I don’t watch television”. All of those statements are fine, but they are just words.
No one can really PROVE we are living to behold the beauty of God. Mike said this is not something to just be tacked on to our already busy spiritual goals, like “oh yeah, that’s a good point, lets run after the beauty of God while we are going for salvations, signs and wonders, and revival.”
My heart should ache and hurt because I am not in the place of beholding God the way He should be sought.
It doesn’t.
Today has been hard and full of people asking me what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make God important on the inside”. That’s what is going on, but I just tell them a list of other reasons. I like to lie to myself about my lack, it makes me feel better, I guess. But when it comes to the end of the day I understand that feeling far from knowing God bothers my soul.
I should be happy with the agitation, but being a person dedicated to becoming the perfection of Christ, it just once again settles my need to trust Jesus completely.
My hope is that soon I will day dream about this process and be so consumed that He takes up my thoughts at the unconscious level. Right now it’s still conscious…
posted by stephanie | 9:46 PM
3 Comments:
Stephanie...
You are so stinkin' amazing! I am so in love with you (with a brotherly admiration). I love to read about your growth because it challenges me to review my own life for changes. Love ya hone!
I think the fact that you realize the state of your soul is such a good sign that you are on the right track. So many people, christians and otherwise, walk around in a state of "i'm ok, your ok" No internal challange to know God better. I think what you are feeling is a reaction of your soul that you are not where your spirit wants to be. He will satisfy you. Only God can bring the peace you desire, bring satisfaction to your lack. I think our whole walk is one of living between the thankfulness of His presence and the knowledge that there is so much more. Keep seeking and pushing through. He will not disappont you.
Today has been hard and full of people asking me what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just can’t seem to figure out how to make God important on the inside”. That’s what is going on, but I just tell them a list of other reasons. I like to lie to myself about my lack, it makes me feel better, I guess. But when it comes to the end of the day I understand that feeling far from knowing God bothers my soul.
-This is a beautiful paragraph. You should write books. I wish I had the honesty in myslef to come up with that statement you put in quotes. It is very true. I think there is your definition of poor in spirit, Stephanie. Honesty about your lack and farness from God and the poverty of your soul without the Holy Spirit.
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